This writer needs help – fast. Can you coach her? Offer Andrea Writer your advice to improve the e-mail below before she hits send. Feel free to add your feedback to the comments section of the blog.

Andrea Writer's E-mail

From:  awriter@conference.com
Sent:  Thursday, June 25, 2010 11:25 AM
To:  [all staff]
Subject:  Annual Conference

I have enclosed information pertaining too the Annual Conference. The conference center we have chosen is Geneva Park. Please check a local map for details. You can check in at 3:00 p.m. or later on August 20 DON’T FORGET TO BRING YOU’RE OWN GOLF CLUBS BECAUSE RENTING THEM WILL BE EXPENSIVE AND IT IS NOT THE POLICY OF OUR COMPANY TO PAY FOR SUCH INCIDENTALS. Dinner will be our first function at 6:30 p.m. on the Tuesday.

The center has lots of fun activities and facilities and you'll have a little free time. Dress is casual. Don’t plan on bringing your spouse – they are not invited. Management must approve the cost of your flight. I, am the contact for your arrival and room details.  If you wish to bring your spouse at your own expense, please let me know and I will book your accommodations. You will find an agenda for the five days attached. 

To ensure we get the accommodations we need for our conference on August 20-23 you must confirm your plans by July 9, 2009.

IWCC’s Sample Rewrite

Check out the rewrite below. What pieces of your advice did we use?

From:   awriter@conference.com
Sent:  Thursday, June 25, 2010 11:25 AM
To:  [all staff]
Subject:  Confirm your plans for the 8th annual conference by July 9

Hello everyone,

As your conference coordinator, I am pleased to let you know that we have finalized the arrangements for our 8th Annual Conference, August 20-23. You will find three documents attached to help you plan to attend: an agenda, a map and transportation options. To ensure we get the best accommodations, please confirm with me by July 9 that you will attend.

Getting ready for our Annual Conference
We will be staying at Geneva Park in Orillia. You can check in after 3:00 p.m. on Tuesday, August 20; and our first function will be dinner at 6:30 p.m. in the main dining room. Dress for the conference is casual, but feel free to dress more formally for dinner.

You are welcome to invite your spouse to join you for the three days, at your expense. We are happy to outline the costs if you are interested.

Our conference theme
As you will notice in the attached agenda, this year’s theme is: “Exceptional Customer Service”. We will focus on strengthening the already good service we provide to both our internal and external clients. Each department will be giving a presentation, and your supervisor will give you details about your group’s responsibilities.

The facilities are excellent!
Geneva Park has excellent facilities, so bring your golf clubs, hiking boots and bathing suits. You will find additional information in the enclosed conference package. Many activities are free ... swimming, paddleboats, hiking. If you are a golfer, please note that golf club rental is $30 a day and you are responsible for your own golf expenses.

Arranging travel to the conference
If you plan to attend the conference, we will provide additional information about your travel arrangements. You will need your manager’s approval on flights. And, I will need your flight details by August 6 to arrange transportation from the airport to Geneva Park.

This year’s conference will be crucial to our continued success and I am confident you will find it fun, stimulating and rewarding. I will look forward to hearing from you by July 9 to confirm your attendance. In the meantime, if you have any questions or concerns, please give me a call at 123-4567; or e-mail me at awriter@conference.com.

See you at the conference,

Andrea
Conference Coordinator

Download IWCC’s whitepaper to find out how to be a winning writing coach.

Are you “tone deaf” when you write e-mail? Your readers aren’t when they read it!  Tone it up or tone it down – let IWCC help. 

Here are three tips from IWCC to eliminate tone-deaf e-mail:

1.    Build allies not adversaries

Positive tone builds allies…negative tone builds adversaries. Look at the examples below and ask yourself “Would the tone turn me into an ally or an adversary?”

1 a. Any further requests for PTO will be denied.
1 b. As you have used all your paid vacation time for this year, you are not eligible for any additional paid time off (PTO). However, I am happy to consider a request for time off without pay.
2 a. I was told we have to work together on Project T.O.N.E. You need to understand that I won’t have time to work on the financial parameters.
2 b. I am looking forward to working with you on Project T.O.N.E. and will call you next week to discuss our roles.

Positive tone is not just about being nice. You create it by using at least one positive word in your e-mail. Even when writing with a negative purpose, consider adding a little positive to build a bridge with your readers. A simple word like please/may/together added to a request leaves your reader with a more positive attitude. Never miss an opportunity to build a relationship!

2.    Seek collaboration not just compliance

Negative tone leaves a bad taste.  It leaves your reader angry, irritated, defensive - and focused on you and your inappropriate attitude.  You should be communicating in a way that fosters collaboration – not just compliance.  Take the high road!

3.    Fix the problem not the person

Neutral tone focuses on the problem or behaviour…negative tone targets the person.  When positive tone is not a reasonable option, try neutral tone to deal with difficult situations or feedback. Because neutral tone uses no positive or negative words, you force the reader to focus on the situation or their inappropriate behaviour. Although, if you prefer to give them an excuse to focus on you and your behaviour; by all means use negative tone!!

To sum up the cure for tone-deaf writing ...

1.    Adopt a positive tone to build relationships and to spark a collaborative attitude in your readers.
2.    Apply a neutral tone to fix a difficult situation, not negative tone to fix blame.
3.    Relegate negative tone to a dark space somewhere!